Cancer

The big beloved Mummy’s baby! This is something you have probably heard very often when people would refer to you.

Your hyper-sensitivity is very irritating because people can never tell you what they really think of you without having you sobbing your heart out. Indeed, you have no control over your emotions, and your entourage, as well as yourself, find it very difficult to put up with your moods.

Your mental age is eight years and you still live in a stage of childhood. Actually, you live more in your head than in the real life. You cannot confront the world and you vegetate in your snug and warm little universe. Your memory is far too good, and you are unable to get rid of your depressing nostalgia. In brief, you are a faint-hearted, passive, psychotic and selfish little thing.

You like to know what’s going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what’s going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you.

Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as “erratic.” You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month.

Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone’s savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there’s a hostage situation.

A Cancer is like a walking Ladies’ Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke – they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed.

You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho’s and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often – all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you’re probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat.

Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties.

Cancerians claim to be “tactful”. The word for this is actually “shiftless”. Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans.

Share if Thou Wilt...Share on Facebook
Facebook
Tweet about this on Twitter
Twitter
Email this to someone
email