Capricorn

Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ass. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he’s all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he’s overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can’t overcome being a Capricorn.

Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don’t want to live in a world like that. The nation’s cockeyed system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin’ Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes.

Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don’t involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don’t have any friends to call.

Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns.

We feel like summing your character as follows: you are a little snitch! Indeed, you do everything you can in order to go unnoticed, and your lack of self-confidence is just sickening. You are baleful, as pleasant as a warder, as dumb as a tomb, as cold as a corpse and as rigid as a skeleton. As if you wanted to make up for your flaws, you try to use humour, or rather some kind of pathetic and deadpan self-mockery, but you don’t convince anybody, not even yourself. Besides, is there anything in which you believe? Your career? Well, yes. You are a social climber, an ambitious person, in brief, a shark. Your burning desire to succeed and to crush your victims in your way indicates that you are very patient and calculating. Since you plan for the longer-term, you forget to live in the present. You are entirely focused on yourself and on your work (so, you are selfish in addition), and you don’t know what it is like to have fun. Indeed, you are never caught clowning around because it would be incongruous from your part. In short, you are boring to death, and on top of that, pessimistic… No, don’t shoot yourself because, as incredible as it may seem, there may be some people who love you!

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