Scorpio

You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they’re going to find fame on a chat board.

You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o’ Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously.

Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader.

Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It’s no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won’t get you arrested.

Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be “I’m sorry, what?”

Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it’s automated, they can hack it.

Scorpios are the most highly sexed of all the signs of the zodiac. Dynamic, passionate & aggressive, a Scorpios first date with someone normally ends in rape.

The back seat is where he/she makes his/her moves. The trunk is where he/she keeps your EX… and his/her “toys”. Because of their obnoxious behavior, Scorpios are often challenged to duels. Their choice of weapons is usually a tactical nuclear device at 30 paces.

Scorpios are prone to excesses: booze, drugs, sex, bad puns, etc. They usually exploit the weaknesses of others, who fall victim to their capacity for total lust & sexual abberation. In youth, Scorpios hide in locker rooms of the opposite sex, waiting for just one person to remain. In adulthood, they hide in dark alleys. And in old age, they hang around playgrounds with bags of candy. Charles Manson is a Scorpio.

Scorpios posess great intellectual curiosity & creative talent. They think they are rebels & are arrogant, proud, conceited, and worth every penny of it. Despite all these shortcomings, they make loyal & devoted marriage partners, at least for the first 5 minutes. After that, it just depends on what catches their eye. Scorpios always want what they can’t have, and generally manage to get it…sometimes legally.

Scorpios are held in awe by their enemies & are admired passionately by their friends…both of them. And Scorpios return that loyalty…until someone says “Good Morning” to them in a funny tone of voice. Scorpios fear nothing. Most Scorpios are murdered in their beds.

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