Pisces

Fog, doldrums, chaos… these are the words which describe you best. Clarity, sharpness and common sense are not your assets… You are like a jellyfish in the sea, and you let the tide carry you without your knowing where to, how, and why. Besides, you couldn’t care less, could you?

Indifference is also one of your characteristics. You don’t know exactly what you think, or who you are. Under such circumstances, it is obvious that it is difficult for you to remain true to yourself, which translates into instability, unfaithfulness (you are never certain that you really love a person) and opportunism.

You revel in psychodramas and you master the art of shady mix-up, as well as delirious mythomania. Your sentimentality makes life complicated for you. It is like a roller coaster ride, now going into a mystical trance, now falling into the most severe depression.

Your apparent softness and generosity conceal your lack of firmness as well as the fact that you’ve got no backbone. You don’t know how to say no, and because you are a sucker, you get lumbered with all the underdogs, with whom no one wants to deal.

Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn’t happen in “The Velveteen Rabbit”, it doesn’t exist.

Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry.

You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans.

Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don’t be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your ass and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won’t tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want “honest criticism” of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don’t like it.

Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn’t matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren’t positive they know what they’re talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don’t like.

Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want.

Share if Thou Wilt...Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterEmail this to someone