Virgo

You have so many flaws that it is very easy to enumerate them. For instance, you are well known for your inferiority complex (which is not only a complex, but tangible truth, as you know; besides, you must be given credit for your lucidity). Your entire life is limited to being a servant, a right-hand person, in brief, a doormat with no sense of self-value. Let’s add that you are uptight and that you control yourself to death because you loathe anything that might upset your petty dull life.

Your obsession with tidiness and details is bordering on mania, and even on neurosis, which is quite frightening to witness. Your room must always be in perfect order, to the extent that one becomes uncomfortable and anxious. These two last traits are also parts of your character, which you are perfectly aware of. Is it really necessary to carry on? Better not, lest you end up as some sort of unchecked psychopath (the mad Virgin, you know!), which is something you wouldn’t want, not at any price, would you? Finally, you always go from one extreme to another, and that’s the last straw!

You are a pain in the ass. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched.

Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word “Virgo”.

Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because “the bastard had a filthy car”. The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too.

It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God.

Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there’s something under the fridge. But it’s usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler.

Virgos don’t see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They’ll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer.

Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don’t put cheese where it doesn’t belong in a Virgo’s refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ass. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of “The Shining”. After that, he went all Leo.

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